Giving up the one thing I wanted

I have done the hardest thing in my life to this point. I gave up the only thing I wanted in life and the dream iv had since I was a child. This reminds me about the verse in Matthew about giving up everything, laying your life down to follow Jesus. With that in mind here’s my story:

In the fall of 2015 I started dating. Which for me is kinda a big deal because I am a little naive and idealistic, I had never had a boyfriend before and this was a whole new experience. At the time the circumstances didn’t permit any relationships but I tend to be a rule breaker so we ignored it and started anyways. The young love was blooming and everything was roses and happy (besides the no-dating rule) and in December we had gotten quite serious and I received a promise ring. Ten months later both our living situations changed and we were now doing long distance. This was okay because we both kept busy and saw each other every couple months but of course it strained our relationship. The more months past, the more our relationship grew apart, we started fighting and giving less attention to making an effort. Now we both loved each other  and cared deeply for one another but something had to change. In January I started the conversation about possibly moving or getting married but I only got resistance. Come April I was done talking about idea’s and what if’s and wanted decisions. We talked daily about this but nothing, so we decided ending our once “rose-colored glasses” relationship was the only way. I was devastated. Life seemed to end, nothing to look forward to anymore. All my plans, hopes and dreams where nothing anymore. As I worked through my grief I still held out hope that we’d get back together someday and everything would be good again.
Recently we  met up to get closure and talk without letting feelings get in the way. I walked away feeling like I wanted to fight for us, this  was the one thing I wanted in life and if that meant I had to fight as hard as I could, I would do whatever it took. . . But the feelings weren’t mutual. As much as I fought, I knew he would never fight for us. So I had to lay it down. My most prized possession. I had to give up my everything to choose what God had for me.
I have a good understanding of what it means to lay down your life and  dreams for your walk with Christ. As we sacrifice and push the bounds of our faith we become more and more like Jesus. When I thought this was going to be the end of the world, it was just the begging for the Lord to bless me. Sometimes God wants to give us a bigger gift but we have to let go of this one in order to hold what He has for us. I know that as this relationship was once a gift, that He will give both of us both new and better gifts.
Sincerly
Robyn

 

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Why are we so selfish?

Recently I came back from a canoe trip in Ontario and in my opinion I did not have that great of a time. I wouldn’t say it was bad but I was cold, worked really hard and had very little down time. Sometimes I need to learn that It’s not all about me. Wait. . . Everything’s not about Robyn Pruden! What’s going on!

I have been taught as a leader to do a “check in” to see how the group is feeling emotionally. We do this at the beginning and end of each day, calling it First and Last Lights; A simple number out of 10, a low light and high light. As we were doing the final Last light, the trip summery. I heard two people comment about how the trip would not have been as good if I hadent been there. Here I felt so miserable about my trip and thinking that it was a failure, and they said that it was important that I came. I just wanted to go home but God had me there for a purpose. To speak into a respectable, influential man’s life and to show love to a 10 year old. We see life so much from our perspective when maybe we should be thinking and being thankful that God’s perspective is the one that wins.

I wanted what I wanted. This trip was not for me to be nurtured, but for me to do the nurturing. To my embarrassment, I ask myself why It took till we were going home for me to figure it out. Thank God for grace, that allows us to be used even when we don’t know it.

Let me then ask you, Is there something in your life that He is trying to use you for? Maybe you aren’t reaping the seeds that you have sowed right away but you will eventually harvest them.

Sincerely

Robyn

Humbled

I’m reminded once again today of how we need to fix our eyes on the creator instead of the creation. I keep planning about the do’s and when’s and what’s about Africa. When I need to be focused on the do’s and when’s about God. If I was to put all my energy and effort into Africa and leave out God; then if the Africa plan disappears, where am I? It would be me saying to God – You gave me this awesome gift so I don’t need You anymore.

After all these years of being taught and studying the word, I am humbled at how much I don’t follow. Oh sweet grace that I am so thankful for. In my life it’s not about where I’m going or what I want, I want to know where God is taking me and what He wants through me. It seems I need to remember “It’s not the gift, It’s the thought that counts.”

Sincerely

Robyn